Babies and Career Ambition

I wrote 90% of a post answering a question from Anonymous about her "having a baby in law school" panel and whether or not I'm being naive in thinking that having a baby this early won't affect my career. I still want to do that, but this afternoon I became distracted by this comment to my last post: (The first two sentences about breastfeeding have been omitted because it really is impossible to have a rational internet-based discussion on the topic, as she proves.)

Seriously, LagLiv, you irk the heck out of me. You want it all- law school, career, and baby, all in a year's span. People can coddle you all you want, but I think you are simply an immature woman who wants to play house when you get home from work, but won't sacrifice to give your child the most of yourself. I'm your age, have my graduate degree, and have chosen to stay home with my daughter for the first 1 1/2 years of her life, and I wouldn't have had a baby this young if I wasn't planning to give her my all!

I deleted it, as I said I would, but then I realized the rebuttal I'd already silently fired off in my head ties in with the original topic so this time I'll give in to my desire to answer back.

But first I want to address the original commentor's question about her panel (she asked for discussion topics- I know many of you reading have had children in grad school, so please include yours in the comments) and my decision to have Landon in law school. I was really surprised to find that some of my readers think that getting pregnant as a law student and/or this young is something I would change. I suppose that given the tone of many of my posts during 3L year that's a reasonable assumption. I've been honest about my realization of how unimaginably difficult a baby can be, and I'll admit that even now that things are so much easier I've thought how different this phase of our life could be if we weren't parents yet- JP could spend more time at school and out with his classmates, I could spend more time at the office, we could go out and then SLEEP IN on the weekends... and all of that would be great. But I can say with absolute conviction that even knowing what I know now- especially knowing what I know now- I would never change our decision to start our family when we did. Being a student gave me the flexibility and freedom to deal with all of Landon's issues in a way I wouldn't have been able to as an attorney. By 3L year it was about graduating; I ended up doing well in my classes, but all I had to do was pass and there isn't a career student out there who couldn't have managed to do the same. Plus I love being a young parent, I loved having so much free time with him that year, and more pertinent to this post, I love that my career will grow around my family and not the other way around.

Which takes me to the next part- am I naive in thinking that having a baby this early won't affect my career? I think this is a good question and I'm going to try to answer it fully but I'm having a hard time turning my thoughts into coherent phrases. I'd say that yes, if I thought my BigLaw career wouldn't be affected that would be naive. But I don't. In fact I'm 100% certain my career will be affected because of Landon, but I want it to be. I have always wanted a professional career and I have always wanted a family- I never wanted one without the other. I want to grow up as a mother and a lawyer at the same time. The fact that I have a child means certain things- I don't stay at work late unless it's absolutely necessary, I won't ever be the super star associate who's always in her office in case a nearby partner has a last minute late night project, I'm not going to be the top biller, and I'm okay with that. Living the work-life balance I want from the beginning may affect my partnership track, but it also means that I'm building a law practice on (mostly) my terms and one that is sustainable with the family life I want. Basically, whatever effects children might have on my career I want up front because I'm not interested in being a lawyer if I can't also be the mother I want to be. But even with all that said, I'm not yet sure how negative those affects will actually be. I work hard, I get things done on time, and so far I've had new assignments requested from everyone I've worked with. I may not be the rock star associate , but I'm going to be a good one and that should keep my career progressing along the right track until I decide where this track is heading.

And where is this heading? I'm not sure. I grew up pursuing the most prestigious, gold-star laden path, but since law school I've been slowly letting opportunities pass that I know aren't right for me or aren't worth the time away from JP or Landon. I don't think I want to be a partner, at least not one at a large PPP-focused law firm. I really don't know where I'll be in ten years and that is a strange feeling. Right now I'm trying to learn all I can, build good relationships with those I work with, and pay down my law school debt as fast as possible.

This ties in with today's Anonymous comment about how I'm immature and coddled (which I have to say are two things I've never been called before) by doing law school, a baby, and a job all in one year. First of all, working right now isn't really a choice. My husband is in school, we have no income, and I don't think it would make me a better parent to let my $140,000 in loans and our inevitable future credit card debt build up by refusing to use this degree we both sacrificed for me to earn. I am providing food, shelter, clothing, and labradors for my family and I'm actually quite proud of that. JP is pursuing his dream of getting his MBA and starting his own company, and he can do that because my salary frees him from having to chase after traditional MBA jobs he knows he doesn't want (like investment banking or consulting). I'm proud of that too. Second, taking 1.5 years off to stay home with your baby is wonderful, but I'm actually more concerned about staying home when our children get a little older. I think it's then, more than now, that it matters that it is JP or I who greets them when they get home from school and is there to talk during that 30-second window in which they feel like opening up. We talked about this before getting pregnant and that's why we're not replacing our 10-year-old cars and not taking expensive ski vacations no matter how very badly we want to go on them- it's our hope that one of us can work part-time when Landon starts full-day school in first grade. I think it will probably be JP- who, by the way, I noticed Ms. Anoymous felt no need to include in the "giving your child your all" discussion. Now that may not be enough for some people, and I understand that view, but as I've said many times before, you can tell me your story and why you think your views are best, but you can't tell me what is best for me and my family. I know myself, I know I would be borderline miserable without my job and I just don't think that would be giving Landon my all.

As I was telling a friend this morning, a comment like the above would have really upset me before having Landon, but now I just shrug and delete. I'm the mom of a happy toddler and the wife of a happy husband. We're living our lives and trying to plan for a future of being the best parents we can be. Having Landon so early in our lives and careers means that we can build everything we planned around being there for him and his future sibling(s). Will there be sacrifices? Certainly in a traditional sense - not making partner, making less money, etc. - but neither of us see them as sacrifices. Our dream careers involve flexibility and family time and we're doing everything we can from the very beginning to make them come true.